Do You Think I'm Beautiful?

I am reading Do You Think I'm Beautiful. And honestly, although I had heard many positive remarks about the book, I was skeptical that it would be just like all the other "self-help" books about Christian feminity that are on the market these days. However, after reading only the first chapter, I am floored by just how wrong my assumption was, and just how powerful its message is. I have never considered myself to be beautiful, but I have never considered myself to be ugly either. I've always considered myself to be plain, ordinary, and inconsequential. And although I've always felt attractive to my parents, I've never really felt that pretty to anyone else. But an even deeper desire than to be seen as beautiful, I want to be wanted. I want to be accepted. I want approval. I want others to look at me and like me, because I am pretty, because I am smart, because I am witty. I want acceptance and approval. And even though my parents may always think I am pretty, they may not always approve. The author touched on each of these issues, and at the same time touched my heart. No one before has ever understood- or maybe I have never fully tried to convey. So that's why, at an early age(kindergarten with Davey, as a matter of fact) I've always sought the companionship and approval of males. Something about BELONGING to someone besides someone who has to love me. To belong to someone means that they accept you and approve of you. That they want you. For so long I have looked to other people to fulfill that need, most recently Steven. I have always, always, always thought that after I get married, I will feel beautiful and wanted- that I would belong to someone. I've thought that marriage would be the "cure-all" to all of my insecurities. I would have someone to protect me and lead me and guide me, someone to be my security and my strength. Until now I never realized that I was making a god out of my future husband. Because, while yes he can do some of those things to some extent, he will never be able to meet those desperate needs in my heart- Only the true God of heaven and God of my heart can do that. So when the author stated that she had to learn to pretend that she didn't long for "more than marriage has to offer," it struck a dissonant chord on one of my heartstrings because I know that if I continue with the misconceptions I have of men and marriage, I will spend the rest of my life looking for "more," wondering why my husband can't give it to me, and pretending that I am happy and fulfilled. Sitting in the ski lodge but never conquering that mountain. Maybe getting married has always appealed to me because people actually notice the bride. For once in her life the plain, ordinary, inconsequential girl is the center of attention, the belle of the ball. She is adorned in a beautiful gown, wears gorgeous hair piled on top of her head, shows off creamy, flushed skin, and beams with a flawless smile. Her eyes sparkle and her laugh is contagious, and every one in the room at that moment wishes she were her. All of that God wants for me. But He wants to marry me first; He wants me to experience this with Him first, before I do with a man. The marriage between a man and a woman is designed to only be a glimpse, a reflection of the marriage between God and a woman. And if I try to substitute the reflection for the real thing, I'll spend life feeling cold, unsatisfied, and wanting more. I am reading Gone With the Wind, and I decided a few days ago that I do not like Scarlett O'Hara. I don't think that we would have been friends. Then I realized that I don't like her because she is just like me, selfish, vain, attention-seeking, and insecure all at the same time. Now all I can think about is how different her life would have been if she had read this book. I see the effects it would have had on her, and I am saddened that she never discovered what I have just discovered. Her flaws eventually drive away everyone close to her, and I realize that this is the fear I harbor when it comes to Christ. I am so sinful, I do so many things wrong, and sometimes(gasp!) I don't even want to change. Is it really possible that this perfect, priceless, patient Prince really wants this princess in rags? Or will He finally look at me one day and be so repulsed by my inner ugliness that He will write me off as a lost cause and never look at me again? It is very hard for me to understand that it is in spite of my flaws that He believes I am beautiful. And the best part is, He offers to make me beautiful, to wipe away the ugly sins and help me correct my flaws. I still have a hard time believing that He will never leave me or forsake me, but if I can't trust that promise, what can I trust? If I can't love this God of my heart, whom can I love? In order to truly live, in order to feel that exhilarating rush when I ski down the mountain, I have to settle in my soul the answers to these questions. I must trust Him. I must love Him. I must believe Him. This is life. Everything else is simply a subcategory. And sure there are risks like: What if I get too cold?or what if I fall down?or what if I drop my pole or my ski while on the lift?or worse yet, what if I fall off the lift?or what about those moguls that I may not see until I am in the middle of them? But when you're actually on the mountain, those risks and fears pale in comparison to the splendid joy of doing what you were made to do, doing what you love, and you rarely ever think of them at all.